do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize