i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
