Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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