i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
