There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
