guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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