Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
