mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
it's like iHOP with fire
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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