I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Someone came in the potted fern
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
