No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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