Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
