as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
