if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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