He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
