is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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