Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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