dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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