I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize