So drunk its hurt
Your mouth is God's brothel.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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