so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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