oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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