Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
