The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
