You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
