I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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