Jerry, you need to find god
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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