Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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