every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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