Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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