im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
please come you make the beer taste better
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
