and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you win again, gameday.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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