there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
