I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
