When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
