I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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