You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
