just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
