yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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