I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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