he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
