I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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