i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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