You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
