I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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