I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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