Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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