walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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