May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
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