Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize