I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
