i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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