We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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