I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
