Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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