I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
