So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
