Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
