mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
