I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just pynch a tree in the face
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Randomize
