I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
