"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
do nipples grow back?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
