So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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